Let Me In
by TowMondler
Summary: Monica is getting married, Chandler has one last chance to win her over


*~ Thanks for reviewing my last fic. This one is from the song by Save Ferris. It's my new favorite and I really wanted to use it in a fic. It's kind of sad, but I promise it will be my last depressing one for awhile. And it's PG for the use of swear words. Not big ones, but swear words none the less. So please review and tell me what you thought!*~

Disclaimer: The characters and the song don't belong to me

The phone rang and Chandler reached to answer it. 

"Chandler?" 

"Ross?" He was surprised to hear his friend's voice, to say the least. He didn't expect to hear from him ever honestly. Chandler had left and no one expected him to be back. 

"Yeah, how are you doing?" It was the usual small talk. Small talk seemed the only thing that they could make anymore. 

"I'm okay, weather's lousy," Chandler commented. 

"Oh. Anyway, I just wanted to call you and let you know that Monica is getting married." With that Chandler's world fell apart. Well, what was left of his world at least. Monica. His best friend. He had watched her for years, waiting in between boyfriends to tell her how he felt. It was never was the right time. She was only looking for a rebound relationship, she had just broken up with someone, she was seeing someone else. He could never summon enough guts to tell her how he felt. At some point watching her had gotten to be too much and he had been offered the job and left. He hadn't glanced backwards, only forwards. He'd be in a new city and he'd be happy. Except that he wasn't happy. He missed New York and he missed his friends. 

"Oh," Chandler managed to choke out. "What's his name? Do I know him?" He didn't know what would be worse, if he knew him or not.

"Probably not. His name is Will Matthews," Ross told him. Monica Matthews, Chandler threw the name around in his head. Monica Matthews, but he wanted it to be Monica Bing. Didn't that sound nice? It did to him. "Well, anyway, Monica wants to know if you can make it to the wedding. She said that it wouldn't be complete without you there. You guys were so close." Chandler was left to decide, could he break his former best friend's heart by not going to her wedding? Or would he sacrifice his own heart by going? 

"Tell her that I'll be there," Chandler said. He couldn't stand the thought of her being upset or hurt. If he had to suffer through the wedding, then he would. That was the end of that. 

Chandler showed up for the wedding and walked into the coffee house. It was a week before the wedding was to take place. A week before his heart was broken forever. He spotted Ross and waved to him. Ross jumped up and hugged him.

"Hey man!" He said. "How have you been?"

"Not bad," Chandler lied. "Where's the rest of the gang?"

"Monica's meeting me here in few minutes, and the rest are who knows where!" Chandler forced a laugh. They took a seat on the couch and began to talk about their lives. The bell sounded over the door and Chandler looked up and saw her walk in. He watched as she approached the counter and ordered her coffee. He watched as she flicked her hair behind her shoulders and straightened her bag on her shoulder. She glanced at her watch and then took a look around the coffee house and saw Chandler. Her eyes lit up and she threw her arms around his neck. He smiled as she was in his arms. He could've kicked himself. Why didn't he ever tell her that he was in love with her? Why did he just stand on the sides and watch? His head spun around intoxicated with her. The smell of her, the feel of her, the sound of her laughter as she hugged him once more before stepping back and taking a good long look at him. 

"God I missed you!" She exclaimed and hugged him tightly. Her dark hair had grown long and today was curled and fell past her shoulders. Monica grabbed his hand and pulled him onto the couch. 

"Tell me about Chicago!" She ordered and he obliged telling her all the things he liked to do and how great of a city it was. His head was pounding and he just wanted to tell her how he felt. No, he scolded himself. She's getting married. Married. To someone else, not you. You lay no claims on her. She's not yours, in fact, she never was. She looked at her watch and then pouted.

"I have to run," she told him. "I'll talk to you later." He nodded, not really knowing what else to do and let her walk out. 

__

I've been watching you and all you do

for quite some time

Knowing all the ins and outs of you 

I should have known what was on your mind

and all the world is spinning round and round

inside my head tonight

I will fall into the darkness

and I fear I will never see the light

Chandler found himself in front of Monica's apartment door. He knew that she was alone. Ross and Joey had dates, and Rachel had to work late, and Phoebe was shopping for a wedding gift. Monica's fiance Will, he also had taken note of during their conversation, was working. He summoned his courage and raised his fist to knock on her door. She answered a minute later and smiled when she saw him.

"Chandler!"

"Hey Monica," he said smiling back. Her smile was contagious, in fact everything about her was. 

"Come in," she told him opening the door wider and allowing him to come in. He obliged and stepped into the hauntingly familiar apartment. She offered to take his coat and he handed it to her and watched as she hung it up. 

"Do you want something to drink?" She asked. He noticed that she tilted her head slightly to the side when she asked a question. 

"Some water?" She nodded.

"Sure," he watched as she reached up and got him a cup and filled it with ice and then water. 

"So how are you?" He asked. 

"I'm good," Monica answered. "You?"

"Fine," Chandler lied. He had gotten good at lying. In fact, he was so good at lying that sometimes he forgot when he was lying and when he was telling the truth. He was definitely lying this time. 

"I'm so glad that you could make it," she told him taking his hand. "I've missed you."

"You too," he said. This time he was not lying. Why hadn't he ever told her how he felt? Why had he kept his feelings hidden? That had been another one of his specialties, hiding his feelings. Monica sat studying his face trying to discern his feelings. She was happy that he could come back, but at the same time she felt an uncomfortable feeling surrounding them. In fact, she swore that you could cut the tension with a knife. They talked about their lives, and she talked about Will. Will was the perfect man for Monica. He fit her perfectly, but Monica wondered if sometimes she was settling. She thought that Will was her soul mate, but at times she wondered if Will wasn't "the one" as everyone liked to refer it as. She wondered what that meant, "the one". The one what? The one person who lights your life? That could be anyone, including your friends. So that was ruled out. The one who made your life complete? Again, could be anyone. She was stumped. Chandler looked nervous. He never used to be nervous around her and so she wondered what there was to be nervous about. 

"Chandler? Are you okay? You look sort of jumpy," she commented. 

"Oh do I? I'm fine," he assured her. Was he lying? She used to know when he was. She used to know him inside and out. Now, she had no idea what he was thinking or feeling. They had grown apart. The greatest friendship she had ever had had officially fallen apart. It hurt her to think about that, so she smiled and tried to act like she used to. 

"Want to watch a movie?" She asked standing up.

"You always pick chick flicks," he teased. 

"I do not." She put her hands on her hips and stared at him accusingly. "You always pick _Die Hard!"_

"I happen to love that movie!" He argued back.

"Well, I don't," she told him. 

"You just don't recognize fine film making when you see it," he shot back. She began giggling. 

"I guess I don't," she said between laughs. He laughed too and the tension was significantly eased in the room. They settled on the couch and it was like old times. At least for that moment. 

__

I've been watching you and all you do

for quite some time

Knowing all the ins and outs of you

I should have known what was on your mind

but all the world is spinning round and round

inside my head tonight

I will fall into the darkness

and I fear I will never see the light

the light

The credits were rolling and Monica yawned and left Chandler's embrace to turn it off. The door opened and Will walked in.

"Hi sweetie," he said giving her a kiss. "You must be Chandler." He extended his hand and Chandler shook it. He took him in, and looked him up and down. Will had dark blonde hair and brown eyes, the exact opposite of Monica, but as he put his arm around her, Chandler's heart sank to see that they made a cute couple. Ad he seemed nice. Which was enough to make Chandler scream. He didn't deserve Monica. Chandler did! And he wanted her, all he wanted was for her to let him in. Let him tell her what he thought and felt and how much he loved her and wanted to be with her. But she was laughing at something Will had said and then turned expectantly to Chandler. 

"Well, Monica, I have to go," Chandler said taking his cue to leave. "I'll see you guys later." He barely heard Monica's goodbyes and walked out into the hall and sighed and leaned his head against the door taking deep breaths. He walked out of the apartment and decided to take a walk through the park. He shoved his hands in his pockets to keep out the cold and began walking. He heard someone shout his name and turned to see Monica running towards him.

"Mon? What are you doing?"

"I need to talk to you," she said. "I've been trying to summon the courage all night....and I just really need to talk to you."

"Okay," he said. "Come on, we'll sit over here." He took her gloved hand and led her to the bench. The winter air gave him shivers, but he figured the shivers were also because of the touch of her hand. 

"There was a true reason that I asked Ross to call you and tell you to come to my wedding," she admitted. 

"What was that?"

"Chandler, I don't know how to say this. I always had a little bit of a crush on you. And I wanted to see if there was anything there between us before I walked down the aisle. And tonight, tonight we were close again and the feelings resurfaced..." His heart was beating faster. This was his chance! This was his one big chance to tell her how he felt. Then he heard the words that made it hard to breath. 

"But..." No buts, he begged. 

"But what?" He asked. 

"You never let me in," she said shrugging. "I mean I was there with you tonight and I had no idea what you were thinking or feeling, and I...I used to. You used to let me in." Chandler thought about what she was saying. It was true, he had hidden his feelings from her. For her own good, because in a week she was going to become Mrs. William Matthews. How did he explain this to her? 

"Monica..." he started. She looked into his eyes searching for something. For him to tell her what he was feeling and thinking. To have him let her close to him and know his feelings. She waited for him to tell her. He just looked down at his feet and she felt the tears form in her eyes. Say something, she silently begged. Just say something to me. Let me know what you're thinking. He just looked back up at her and was silent for a little longer. She began to cry and held her head in her hands. He wanted to hold her and rock her. But he just let his hands wring and stared at her slumped over form. 

__

so let me in

all that I wanted from you

was something you never do

so let me in

oh please tonight

don't let this end

tonight, I will fall

"Monica," he said again. "I don't know what to tell you. I don't know how to tell you that I only think of you. Every boyfriend you had I wanted to wring their necks, and when they hurt you I wanted to kill them." She lifted her head and for a moment the tears stopped falling. She glanced at him and took him in. 

"What are you saying?" she asked. 

"I fell in love with you a long time ago," he admitted. "And I never knew how to tell you." 

"Why not?"

"Because it's not something that you just blurt out...love the casserole, by the way I'm in love with you," Chandler said. Always reverting back to sarcasm. It was his defense. It was his shield. 

"Don't do that," she admonished. 

"Do what?"

"Get all sarcastic on me," she said. She knows me too well, Chandler thought. "You use sarcasm as your way out of everything." He nodded.

"I know, sorry," he said. She felt like it was a victory. He finally admitted one of his weaknesses. He finally leaned over and kissed her. She pulled back at first surprised and then fell into the embrace. 

"What about Will?" He had to ask. 

"I love him," Monica said. "But I think you and I are meant to be together." He smiled and then kissed her again. Guilt began to creep into his consciousness though. And doubt. What happened to them? Monica and Chandler, the best friends. What happened to watching movies and drinking coffee at the Central Perk, what happened to the people that switched apartments? Wasn't Monica the one that he had turned to when he was having Janice problems? Wasn't she the one who went to a strip club to help him get over Kathy? At the beginning, they seemed so perfect for each other. Their friendship would last. It was meant to be. And often times their friends wondered when they would just get over and get together romantically. They fit. They made sense. But they could never make it happen. Now their chance was staring at them in the face. Monica was offering to give up her engagement, her wedding, her future for him. For a chance that they might work. Chandler felt so inadequate. What was he giving up for her? Nothing. She was going to give him everything and he was going to give up nothing for her in return. 

__

Through the light the darkness seems to be

so very strong

How does one alone against the world

find the strength to carry on?

What happened to the way we used to love?

It seemed as though life had just begun

but now love as come and gone and fade away

just like the setting sun

"Monica," he said pulling away. 

"What's wrong?"

"I can't do this," he told her. 

"Why not?"

"Don't ask." He got up off the bench and the tears began falling down her face. 

"What?" He was doing it again, her head screamed. He's not letting me know what's the matter. He's not letting me in. Her head was spinning. Half from the kiss and half from his sudden rejection.

"You kissed me!" She said. "What's the matter now?"

"Mon," he took her hand in his. It was cold, and the tears were streaming down her face. He wondered if tears could freeze. 

"Don't Mon me," she yelled. 

"I'm doing this for your own good," he told her.

"No!"

"Monica, you're getting married to a man that you admitted you love," he said. "And you can't give that up on a slim chance that you and I will work."

"But we will work!"

"How do you know?" She stopped. 

"I don't. But I believe that we will."

"I don't think that that's enough."

"Damn you then. Damn you for telling me that you loved me too. Damn you for making me feel this way and then telling me that it's not in my best interest to love you."

"Monica, think about all the things you'd be giving up," he told her.

"I did!"

"I don't think that you did!" She was silent again.  
"I love you Chandler."

"I know." He looked her in the eyes. "But you can't."

"I want to marry you! Not Will!"

"No you don't," Chandler told her. "And I can't let you give up everything for me. I love you too much."

"You're a bastard," she said. "Telling me that you love me? But that I can't love you back and I have to get married to Will and you and I will never work. Go to Hell Chandler." She was shaking from crying so hard and he felt like it was all his fault. He should have never come back. He should have sent a card. Should of's and could of's raced through his head. He should have told her sooner. He shouldn't have kissed her. She was hurting. He had hurt her. What a scene they must have been. Her on the bench sobbing and him standing there with his hands in his pockets trying unsuccessfully to explain to her why they couldn't stay together. 

"Monica, I'm sorry," he said. He touched her arm and she pulled back and hugged herself. Gave herself warmth, because he wouldn't let her in and he couldn't give her the warmth that she needed. 

__

cause you won't let me in

all that I wanted from you

was something you never do

so let me in

so please tonight

don't let this end

tonight, cause I'm starting to fall

"I'm sorry," he attempted again a few minutes later. She had stopped sobbing and now just stray tears were falling down her cheeks. 

"I am too," she told him. He sat back down on the bench and they sat in silence for a little longer. 

"We can't be friends," he told her.

"No," she agreed. "That's ruined."

"I'll go back to Chicago tomorrow," he told her. "I won't stay for the wedding." She nodded.

"That's probably a good idea," she said. 

"It wouldn't have worked between us," he said. 

"No, probably not. But now we'll never know will we?"

"I love you."

"Don't say that. Not now."

"I'm sorry. I wish it could have been different."

"But it's not."

"I know." The snow fell around them and they sat a little longer not noticing the cold. They had come so far and now nothing would come of it. She would go home to Will and in a week she would walk down the aisle and become his wife. He would go back to Chicago a little wiser, and a little older and definitely a lot more heartbroken. He would read about her in Ross's letters and Joey's phone calls until one day Ross and Joey would discover that Chandler wasn't writing back or calling back. And then they too, would drift away from Chandler. Why had he chosen to love her? Why had he fallen for her? He couldn't have her. He never could. 

"I should go," Monica said standing up.

"Yeah," he whispered. 

"Take care of yourself," she told him.

"You too. I hope your wedding goes smoothly," he said.

"Thanks," she said.

"Mon? I never would have guessed you'd be a winter bride. In my dreams you were always a summer bride," he said. Her heart stopped. He was letting her in. But it was too late. 

"I know. So did I." She hugged him. One swift, tight hug goodbye. And he hugged back with all the emotions and passion that he was feeling. The hopelessness, the sadness, the knowledge that he had lost her. Everything was in that hug. 

"Goodbye, Chandler," she said.

"Bye Mon." And she let go and walked away and he turned and headed back towards the hotel. This was the end. 

__

so let me in

It was all that I wanted from you

it was something you never knew

to let me in

but not tonight

for this is the end

tonight, I fall

*~ I told you that it was kind of sad. Sorry. The song ends on a sad note. Anyway, please tell me what you thought. Just press that button down there and review!!!!!!*~


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